G-Log

I struggled since I was a teenager over whether or not I wanted kids. I have two siblings and multiple cousins all fairly close in age, so I never had any experience around babies. I would go through periods of not wanting kids, and then wanting them. When Dean and I started dating, our lives were in upheaval, and neither of us could imagine bringing another child into that. Over time though, as things started to settle down and we knew our relationship was solid, we started rethinking the idea of having a child together. We had Ariel, but I was not her mother and our relationship would never be quite the same as if I were her biological mom. We had lots of freedom and were able to sleep as long as we wanted on weekends we didn’t have her. But my fear was that I would make the decision not to have any children of my own and then regret it when it was too late. On the other hand, I knew I would never regret having a baby. And Dean was on board no matter which decision I made. So, we started trying after we’d been married a year. Now, we have a beautiful 13-month-old boy and I can’t imagine life without him.

So now I struggle with whether or not I’m done. To be perfectly honest, being a mother is so much harder than I ever thought, and I’m not sure I want to do it again. I love my son and, as I suspected, have absolutely no regrets. But the thought of having another newborn and spending the first months completely sleep-deprived is not appealing to me. Nor is going through the emotional struggle of trying to get pregnant and possibly miscarrying again. Am I selfish? Maybe. But when Ariel is with us we are a family of four, and I like that number. Two boys, two girls. Road trips are much simpler with only two kids in the back seat. They each have their own room and will never have to share. And we will be much better off financially only having two children to take care of (day care is so expensive!). Leo gets to be an only child part of the time, and be a sibling the other part of the time. Ariel never has to worry about not getting enough attention from her dad because he’s trying to help me take care of two little ones. There will always be a parent available to help when one of the kids needs something. I believe in general we’ve achieved a nice balance, and I think I’d like to keep it that way. For now…