G-Log

I struggled since I was a teenager over whether or not I wanted kids. I have two siblings and multiple cousins all fairly close in age, so I never had any experience around babies. I would go through periods of not wanting kids, and then wanting them. When Dean and I started dating, our lives were in upheaval, and neither of us could imagine bringing another child into that. Over time though, as things started to settle down and we knew our relationship was solid, we started rethinking the idea of having a child together. We had Ariel, but I was not her mother and our relationship would never be quite the same as if I were her biological mom. We had lots of freedom and were able to sleep as long as we wanted on weekends we didn’t have her. But my fear was that I would make the decision not to have any children of my own and then regret it when it was too late. On the other hand, I knew I would never regret having a baby. And Dean was on board no matter which decision I made. So, we started trying after we’d been married a year. Now, we have a beautiful 13-month-old boy and I can’t imagine life without him.

So now I struggle with whether or not I’m done. To be perfectly honest, being a mother is so much harder than I ever thought, and I’m not sure I want to do it again. I love my son and, as I suspected, have absolutely no regrets. But the thought of having another newborn and spending the first months completely sleep-deprived is not appealing to me. Nor is going through the emotional struggle of trying to get pregnant and possibly miscarrying again. Am I selfish? Maybe. But when Ariel is with us we are a family of four, and I like that number. Two boys, two girls. Road trips are much simpler with only two kids in the back seat. They each have their own room and will never have to share. And we will be much better off financially only having two children to take care of (day care is so expensive!). Leo gets to be an only child part of the time, and be a sibling the other part of the time. Ariel never has to worry about not getting enough attention from her dad because he’s trying to help me take care of two little ones. There will always be a parent available to help when one of the kids needs something. I believe in general we’ve achieved a nice balance, and I think I’d like to keep it that way. For now…

My baby boy turns 1 today. I can hardly believe it’s been a year. My life has changed so much more than I could have ever imagined, and I am so grateful for every moment (even the frustrating, sleep-deprived ones). Who would have thought I could love this little person with such strength and ferocity? I think that’s really the best way to put it—I love my child ferociously. I would do anything for him and to protect him, no matter what the cost. You can hurt me, but put my child in danger and I will attack. It is my job to take care of him, and I don’t take it lightly. And now that I’m a parent (biologically at least), seeing others who don’t take this responsibility seriously makes me so upset. This probably sounds angry, but it’s not intended to be. I think it’s such a primal thing, and there’s nothing that compares. I get so much joy out of just watching him, whether he’s shaking his little booty or opening and closing cabinet doors or pulling everything out of the TV stand or trying to put his pacifier in daddy’s mouth or sleeping or… It’s awe-inspiring.

To my little one on his birthday:

Leo, I am so blessed to have been given the honor of being your mom. I have cherished watching you grow and learn so many things, and I am excited to watch you continue to grow and learn. You have brought so much more joy to our family. Thank you for your smiles and your laughter—they are the light of my life.

Through the years I will not be perfect. I will make mistakes, and I will tell you “no” from time to time. I will make you upset and angry on occasion. But always remember that your father and I have been given the responsibility of taking care of you, and sometimes that means not letting you have your way. Just know that we will always love you, protect you and guide you, while giving you the freedom to develop and become your own person.

Happy birthday!

I wanted to take a few minutes to make a little list of things Leo does that I think are adorable. Of course we think most everything our babies do is adorable, but these are just glimpse into his little personality that I may not ever get caught on camera or video tape. I just have to keep them stored away in my memory.

• I love how when he sneezes and I say “Bless you!” he looks at me and gets a big grin on his face. Either he thinks it’s funny when he sneezes, or likes my reaction to it.
• I love that he talks loudly even when it’s totally the wrong time (like early in the morning). He’s testing out his volume.
• As annoying as it can get sometimes, I love how fascinated he is by things that open and close (cabinets, doors, drawers, even books). And I also find it amazing that he knows to make sure his fingers don’t get smashed, though I do keep a close eye on him in case he ever forgets.
• I love that he laughs when I brush his teeth. It might make it more difficult, but I’d rather him find it amusing than hate it.
• I love when he pats my shoulder when I’m holding him. I get such a kick out of that. Apparently I pat him more than I realize.
• I love when I’m holding him at night and he’s so tired he can barely keep his head up, but he refuses to give in. He keeps picking it up, but inevitably it flops back against my chest. Sometimes it’s really hard to keep from laughing.
• I love how he lights up when he sees his daddy. I think that’s one of the greatest things ever (aside from him lighting up when he sees me ).

I could go on and on, but this list would be never ending. I’m so blessed to have been given the chance to be a mom, and to watch him grow. I love you, little man.

For those of you who may not have heard, I start a new job tomorrow. I will be the HR Administrator at a stem cell research company (donated stem cells–not embryonic stem cells). I’m nervous, but really excited. I needed a new job, a new challenge, and I am fascinated by what this company does. I am so ready for a new me. I’ve got new clothes, new shoes, got my hair cut, and I’ve started Weight Watchers. I’m hopeful that this will be a great change for me. Dean put it perfectly: This is a chance for me to reinvent myself. Nobody there knows me well, so I have no past. Of course it’s always scary being the new person, but if I’m confident in myself and my abilities I think I will do great. And this couldn’t have come at a better time. Wish me luck!

I’ve been very discontent with life lately. Well, I think ever since Leo was born. I figured it was the life change, post-partum depression, lack of sleep, etc. I keep waiting for it to go away, but it hasn’t, and I can’t keep expecting it to go away on its own. Some of you may say “You should be content with your life as it is.” And I suppose that’s true sometimes. But nobody can ever improve their life if they settle to be content with the way things are. Having Leo has really made me take stock of my life and how I live it. The fact of the matter is things NEED to change. I’ve recently gotten a new job that I start on March 1st. I think that will be a good first step. My current job isn’t bad and they have been good to me over the years, but I’m to the point where I just need a change. I’m burnt out, and the only cure is to move on. The second change that needs to be made, whether it be this year or next, is a move to a house. We need a yard for the kids to run and play. We need to get away from stressing about pissing off our upstairs or downstairs neighbors, or the HOA board member that has nothing better to do than survey the neighborhood. Leo needs a room he can sleep in during the summer, and we need an air conditioner that works and doesn’t run up our electric bill. Dean and I discussed staying in our current place for two years since we’ve had to move so much, but the reality is the last two moves have been necessities beyond our control. We were gipped out of buying a place. We were never given the time to look and find a place we would be happy in for an extended period of time. So come June we will start looking for a house to rent. If we can’t find one in our price range, we’ll stay put, but we at least need to try. I don’t think I’m asking for much. Am I? I want a better life for myself and my family, and that won’t happen if I don’t try.