G-Log

I thought I’d share this, since I’m sure most of us are starting to feel this way.

She pops into the bathroom
Just after a shower and
She plays with my makeup and dreams
“Heap’s trying to look like me”

And goes through the motions posing this way and that
Holding it in
If it makes you feel better then knock yourself out

Say hi there to my bad body double
This is my bad body double trouble
Oh, no my bad body double mm hm
I got bad body double trouble

She’s trouble
She’s trouble
She’s trouble alright.

Sometimes I just want to lose her
Shake her at a bar or gym for five minutes
It feels so good to be back in my own self again
Can get quite confusing

We look very similar except she’s got some grays and
A little extra weight on the side
Dimply thighs I hear that stuff’s a bitch to get rid of

We’re having quite an intimate personal moment (not now)
Could you maybe come at a slightly less awful time? (not now)
She can see I’ve got someone quite nice here with me
Can’t we just be left alone
I guess that’s a no then
Seeing as how you’re still here
Seeing as how you’re still here

It’s not me no
It’s my bad body double
I’ve got bad body double trouble
Oh no my bad body double trouble

- Imogen Heap

Have you ever stopped to wonder what your life would be like if you were born in a different time? It crossed my mind earlier today; I’m not sure why. But I wondered what my life would be like if, say, I was born in the 1800s. I would be me, in body and soul, but I wouldn’t be ME. I wouldn’t have had the same experiences and opportunities, so I would be a different person. I imagine I would look the same, but would my natural disposition still be the same? Would I still be introverted, a perfectionist, a control freak? And if I was, would I even knew what those things mean? Would I be married? Probably. But if I was, would I have married for love or because it was expected of me? Would I be a poor farmer’s wife? Considering where I was born, that’s highly likely. I needed a c-section with Leo. Would I have died giving birth? It’s all so much a matter of chance, where and when we are born. We have no control over it, and yet it plays such a huge role in defining who we are. What would Dean, my computer geek, do if he lived in a time before computers? Would I still love music so much, without such easy access to it? I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I would love to meet a different me in a different time. Just to compare notes.

I was having a conversation with a friend at work yesterday and I wanted to get some feedback on this particular topic.

You would think at my age, insecurities would start to diminish somewhat. I’m a married woman and my husband thinks I’m beautiful. So why am I so insecure about my weight? I am in a stable job that I feel I’m fairly good at, and I feel my position is secure for the most part, so why do I worry about my review? I know that I’m loved. Why should I care so much what people think of me? And do I even care about the people whose opinions I care about? It’s certainly not debilitating, but it’s always there, just under the surface. It’s such a strange thing to me. At what age does it start to go away, if ever? Surely when I’m 70 years old I won’t care what other people think, will I?

Maybe my insecurities still exist because I don’t feel like an “adult.” Not that I know what feeling like an adult should feel like, but I don’t feel much different than I did when I was a teenager. I still like the same types of music, though my tastes have expanded somewhat. I still like the same foods, the same activities. I help take care of a home and I’m a mom and I make sure bills get paid and have a full-time job, but all of that seemed like such a natural life progression that it didn’t have as much impact as I thought it would (well, with the exception of the mom part). Or maybe the reality is that everyone has insecurities–we just don’t talk about them as much when we get older. Maybe we get better at hiding them, or denying they are there. Maybe we’re all in the same boat. That would make me feel a little better, anyway.

I can’t believe another year has gone by.  This one seemed all a blur too, but I suppose that’s understandable considering.  I used to attempt to say something profound about time passing, but at the moment that’s just not in me.  We’ve been together for six years and married for three, we had to move again this year, we’re in the same jobs.  But our lives have changed so much with the addition of our little boy into the family.  He’s an amazing and wonderful addition, no question, but I still haven’t quite completely adjusted yet.  Life seems more…hectic.  I keep having to remind myself to slow down and appreciate the good times, which I really struggle with between the chores and work and taking care of Leo.  I’m completely exhausted.  I know as he gets older it will get a little easier (physically at least–not mentally or emotionally).  I thought I would be sad when Christmas was over, but I think I’m ready for a new year.  I’m excited to watch Leo grow, and start walking and talking.  I’m excited to spend a week at the coast with my family, probably Leo’s first time at the beach.  I’m hoping I can find the motivation to start working out and finally losing some of this baby weight.  I think that would help in the exhaustion department.  Most of all I’m ready to just face whatever comes next. 

Happy New Year everyone.  Party enough for both of us–we’ll be sleeping the midnight hour away.

Hello out there in the ether. I know it’s been months since I’ve written anything–I’ve been kind of busy. Most of the time I’m so exhausted by the end of the day I don’t want to do much thinking.

So much has changed. Leo is rolling over, crawling for the most part, trying to stand up, and is getting his first teeth. It’s amazing how fast he has changed. It occurred to me tonight that I need to commit the time to catch moments in time, as much as is possible in this crazy life of ours, so that I won’t forget them. I want to think I won’t forget them, but I can’t rely on that so here goes–my inspiration.

Leo has been having a lot of trouble sleeping the last four or five nights because he’s teething and so stuffed up it’s hard to breathe. Normally he has no trouble and sleeps through the night for the most part. It’s been quite frustrating. Last night after trying to get him to fall asleep in his crib after about 45 minutes I finally picked him up and sat in the rocking chair with him. He calmed down but wasn’t sleeping, so I put my head back and closed my eyes hoping he would get the hint. I realized after a while that he was just staring at me, and I couldn’t resist staring back. Then he reached up and put his hand on my cheek, and we just sat there staring at each other until I cuddled him up a little closer and he finally fell asleep. It was such an amazing moment for me, having my son reach up to me and stare into my eyes. I don’t ever want to forget it.